What am I supposed to do?

Over the last few days, my step dad has been getting closer and closer to passing away.

He has been diagnosed with lung cancer at stage 4 and yesterday the doctors told my mum to call the family in as he had hours maybe days to live.

Seeing him yesterday - it was easy to see that he is not the person he used to be. He is bruised and so doped up on morphine he's not really with us. I spoke to him yesterday and he was lucid for a few seconds and then gave a really daft grin like a small child before going back behind a morphine haze. It's heartbreaking really. I am so used to seeing him as a strong man so to see him reduced to this is awful.

My Mum, well, she's holding in there as best she can. It's like Mum is going through with Tony what we went through with Lily. You know the end is coming and you try and prepare yourself as best you can but when it happens, it rips the heart right out of you.

I am trying to be supportive for her - I do my crying when I'm away from her and when I am with her give her an ear/shoulder for whenever she needs it. I really worry about her, she's not eating properly which I do understand but I try and persuade her to have something to eat whenever I can.

My husband and I watched Isabelle today. My sister and her partner had to go to his nephews funeral (yes our family is a bundle of laughs at the minute) and so I offered to watch Issy while they went. She's a little monkey! Most of the time she amused herself just looking at the shadows passing around her but when it comes to feeding - she had a full bottle and then two hours later asked for more but the minute she got the bottle in her mouth she started to close her eyes! Little madam didn't realise she was dealing with Auntie Weez and that I was having none of it and so she took another 2oz before I left her alone to sleep. She doesn't like being put in a basket to sleep. She really likes to be held and was quite happy falling asleep over my shoulder but the minute she was put down she decided to wake up again and start crying, so I put her in her pram and rocked her a while.

Last update we had from Mum was that Tony was sleeping and she was staying overnight at the hospital. Hopefully he will have pulled around a little by morning.