Life without Lily

My sister had her daughter on Sunday. It took a while as she had been in hospital since early Saturday morning but eventually, Isabelle made her entrance into this world.

My emotions are now all over the place - I want to feel so happy and proud of my sister but all I feel is an immense loss. It feels like someone has just smashed down all the hard work I had put into starting to heal.

For my family this is a good time - a happy time and that's how it should be - I just don't feel like I can join in. I love my sister to bits - there is no doubt about that, I just can't bring myself to feel the euphoria the rest of my family seem to be experiencing.

My daughter went to visit her new cousin at the hospital and she loves her already. I knew she would, our daughter is like a little mother hen lol - she loves babies and loves being around them, and if she can have a cuddle, well, she's like the cat that's got the cream. Mum and Dad have said that they will do all they can to make sure Sophie see's Isabelle often which is great because I don't think I will be able to do that.

I have seen photos of Isabelle on my sisters Facebook page and seeing them - I can't explain it to myself never mind try to find words to write it down.

I don't know what I was expecting on seeing her. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was expecting it to be like someone else had my child. Even though I know that no-one can have my child and that my sister has her child - this is what I think was in the back of my mind. So seeing her like this has helped a little. It's making it easier for me and I suppose this is what they mean by one step at a time.

I'm glad my sister and her fiancee have a lovely healthy daughter but at the same time I am so jealous! After hearing the news I broke down into tears and I am so glad my husband was here. He held me and let me cry and listened to me shouting that it wasn't fair and why did our child have to be the rare one to have this syndrome and be taken from us. It's not right that we didn't have years with her, I feel cheated in a way.

This isn't really anything against my sister - it's just been the catalyst for bringing these emotions back to the forefront of my mind and making me face them again.

I have lost a child - I hurt - I cry - I want her back - but at the end of the day, I am the strong woman that my mother raised and I will come through this. I will have break downs but I will be able to control them - I will cry but I will have tissues on hand and one day, we will have another child to love and cherish just as much as we do Lily.