I had such hopes that I would be able to keep this blog updated but it seems to be falling by the wayside.

We were back at Martin House on Saturday, they were holding a rememberance day for all the children that had passed away within the last 2 years. It was an incredibly draining day - emotions were all brought back to the front again and it just made me feel so sad.

BUT....then they let us loose on Robins food!! That man can cook lol

He made a wonderful buffet lunch and the puddings....well, think I put a stone on just looking at them.

We've had some good news too. We are expecting another child next year. It's a wonderful but scary experience all at the same time. When I was younger, I never thought about problems that could occur with babies. It was simply a case of doing the deed and having the child at the end of 9 months. Looking back I was so naive. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. The 2nd gave me Sophie. The 3rd was ectopic and the 4th is Lily. I'm hoping now that there are enough of my babies on the other side and that we will be allowed to keep this one. I know my family that have passed love babies but I do too!!

I'm thinking this baby may be a boy. Through the 2 preganancies that I carried full term, I had no nausea, but this time, it's all there. Gotta be a boy lol besides, I have boys names and no girls names which is unusual. I normally have girls names picked out.

If my mum agrees, I would like to name the baby Riley James Anthony. I say if Mum agrees because Anthony was her husbands name that passed away shortly after Lily this year. Tez just goes along with what I do lol

It's been a while since I've posted on here. Life has been a roundabout that I would have liked to have gotten off these past couple of months. Reading back on my last post - we didn't have a positive pregnancy test result and haven't had one since either.

With Lily's Grandad passing away, I've had to be there for my Mum. She's dealing with it brilliantly really and holding together really well though I have no doubt that behind closed doors it's a different story.

I went back to work last week for the first time since I left to have Lily. I didn't really want to go back to be honest, I have gotten used to being a house wife and my husband has gotten used to not cooking!! Going back has been a help though. I'm not sat around the house doing nothing all day. I've had to get up and even though I'm not officially off Maternity Leave until the 14th, I'm looking forward to going back now and getting into a routine again.

My other daughter was back at school last week too. They don't seem to be doing very much at the minute lol - she's coming home telling me that they have done nothing but play so far so I'm hoping that they will knuckle down soon and get on with some work. They've just had 6 weeks to do all their playing lol

Lily should have been 6 months this month and it's hitting me a little harder than I thought. I'm finding myself quite teary and upset at odd times of the day and I'm crying at the smallest of things - things that I shouldn't even be crying at!

We should be able to get Lily's headstone soon. We couldn't put a stone in for 6 months because of the ground in the churchyard so hopefully it won't be too much longer. I find it hard to visit her at the moment as there is nothing there but a plaque with her name on and a small mound of earth. I can't remember the last time I went but I do speak to her everyday. She's all around me and I think she understands why I don't go to the churchyard.

My husband and I have been trying to think of ways to raise funds for the hospice where Lily spent her last few hours. We've come up with a family fun day and have been in touch with Martin House Childrens Hospice about this and they are happy for us to do it. I have to call the person at Martin House tomorrow to speak to them about it so hopefully we can do this and leave a legacy from Lily in this way.

Another anniversary coming up....

This Thursday would have been Lily's 4 month birthday. Instead, we will be missing her as she was taken from us far too soon. This Thursday will also be the day that we find out if I am pregnant again or not.

What I would really like and what I am sure a lot of parents of have lost a child would like, is to have her back. I know this isn't possible and I also know she is in a better place right now as she is out of pain but I can't stop these feelings.

I am also going to be looking after my niece overnight on Thursday. I don't know how that little girl is doing it, but she's helping me to heal. I can hold her, and change her, feed her and put her to sleep and I know that I don't have to constantly watch her for signs of non-breathing or fits which we had to do with Lily.

My husband is also helping me to heal. He loves me and is always telling and showing me this. Without him I think I would be a mess right now but because I have his strength to lean on, I know I can get through anything.
I am so lucky to have a husband like him xx

Grandad is with you now darling

Hey little girl,

By now, your grandad should be with you. He passed from this life on the 25th and was laid to rest on the 1st of July. Grandad was very poorly baby, he had many many things that made him so ill and they are contibuted to his passing. We like to think that you needed a grandad with you and so he took it upon himself to be your protector until me or your daddy can get there.

We asked that he give you huge kisses and cuddles from us and so I hope that he has passed these on.

Love you so very very much my darling

Love Mummy xxx

What am I supposed to do?

Over the last few days, my step dad has been getting closer and closer to passing away.

He has been diagnosed with lung cancer at stage 4 and yesterday the doctors told my mum to call the family in as he had hours maybe days to live.

Seeing him yesterday - it was easy to see that he is not the person he used to be. He is bruised and so doped up on morphine he's not really with us. I spoke to him yesterday and he was lucid for a few seconds and then gave a really daft grin like a small child before going back behind a morphine haze. It's heartbreaking really. I am so used to seeing him as a strong man so to see him reduced to this is awful.

My Mum, well, she's holding in there as best she can. It's like Mum is going through with Tony what we went through with Lily. You know the end is coming and you try and prepare yourself as best you can but when it happens, it rips the heart right out of you.

I am trying to be supportive for her - I do my crying when I'm away from her and when I am with her give her an ear/shoulder for whenever she needs it. I really worry about her, she's not eating properly which I do understand but I try and persuade her to have something to eat whenever I can.

My husband and I watched Isabelle today. My sister and her partner had to go to his nephews funeral (yes our family is a bundle of laughs at the minute) and so I offered to watch Issy while they went. She's a little monkey! Most of the time she amused herself just looking at the shadows passing around her but when it comes to feeding - she had a full bottle and then two hours later asked for more but the minute she got the bottle in her mouth she started to close her eyes! Little madam didn't realise she was dealing with Auntie Weez and that I was having none of it and so she took another 2oz before I left her alone to sleep. She doesn't like being put in a basket to sleep. She really likes to be held and was quite happy falling asleep over my shoulder but the minute she was put down she decided to wake up again and start crying, so I put her in her pram and rocked her a while.

Last update we had from Mum was that Tony was sleeping and she was staying overnight at the hospital. Hopefully he will have pulled around a little by morning.

It's Daddy's day

Today is Fathers Day and Sophie was banned from coming into the room until after 8.30 this morning as given the chance she would have been in at 6am!

It's a bittersweet day as Mothers Day was this year as we are missing the physical body of Lily.

I have seen something that I want to get him from Lily but I just didn't get chance before the day came.

He's had lots of cuddles and kisses from Sophie and now is getting peace and quiet because she's taken herself off to bed in a mood :-D

I can do this

I came to spend time with my Mum today after she had the horrible news yesterday. I've been here and been looking on the internet for information that she has asked for and so I am able to help in this way.

I also asked my little sister to come up with the new baby. Not only because I think that it helps Mum having a little one around but also because I felt like I needed to meet her and climb over this hurdle that had come between us.

I quite surprised myself. After spending time in the same room as her and watching her sleep, I was able to pick her up and hold her without bursting into tears. She's such a lovely little thing and I know now that I can be a good auntie to her.

I also know now why I was so scared, not because of her, not because it was a new life after my little one had lost hers, but because I thought I would have the same emotions with Isabelle as I did with Lily. I was expecting to feel so much for her but because she is my niece and not my daughter - I don't. I will love her like an auntie should and I am so glad that I pulled all my courage together and faced my fears.

My Step-dad is still not well. Mum and he are meeting with more doctors today to see what they say and then they have an appointment with the ongologist on Monday.

I really hope for both their sakes that he pulls through this - maybe not be cured but able to control the cancer to a certain degree until he is fit enough to have chemo and then maybe that will be able to at least reduce it in size so he can live a normal life for a while longer.

It sounds strange but I'm not worried about him. It's my Mum I'm worried about. He is in the hospital being looked after but there is noone to look after Mum and make sure that she is OK. I can call her everyday but I live an hours bus journey away and with having a school age child, it's just not possible for me to be there when I want to be.

It never rains but it pours

We have heard today that my step-dad has lung cancer. I'm not sure how much more this family can take.

I'm feeling for my mum right now and I don't know how to help her.

My sister had her daughter on Sunday. It took a while as she had been in hospital since early Saturday morning but eventually, Isabelle made her entrance into this world.

My emotions are now all over the place - I want to feel so happy and proud of my sister but all I feel is an immense loss. It feels like someone has just smashed down all the hard work I had put into starting to heal.

For my family this is a good time - a happy time and that's how it should be - I just don't feel like I can join in. I love my sister to bits - there is no doubt about that, I just can't bring myself to feel the euphoria the rest of my family seem to be experiencing.

My daughter went to visit her new cousin at the hospital and she loves her already. I knew she would, our daughter is like a little mother hen lol - she loves babies and loves being around them, and if she can have a cuddle, well, she's like the cat that's got the cream. Mum and Dad have said that they will do all they can to make sure Sophie see's Isabelle often which is great because I don't think I will be able to do that.

I have seen photos of Isabelle on my sisters Facebook page and seeing them - I can't explain it to myself never mind try to find words to write it down.

I don't know what I was expecting on seeing her. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was expecting it to be like someone else had my child. Even though I know that no-one can have my child and that my sister has her child - this is what I think was in the back of my mind. So seeing her like this has helped a little. It's making it easier for me and I suppose this is what they mean by one step at a time.

I'm glad my sister and her fiancee have a lovely healthy daughter but at the same time I am so jealous! After hearing the news I broke down into tears and I am so glad my husband was here. He held me and let me cry and listened to me shouting that it wasn't fair and why did our child have to be the rare one to have this syndrome and be taken from us. It's not right that we didn't have years with her, I feel cheated in a way.

This isn't really anything against my sister - it's just been the catalyst for bringing these emotions back to the forefront of my mind and making me face them again.

I have lost a child - I hurt - I cry - I want her back - but at the end of the day, I am the strong woman that my mother raised and I will come through this. I will have break downs but I will be able to control them - I will cry but I will have tissues on hand and one day, we will have another child to love and cherish just as much as we do Lily.

Night out as an Adult

I'm just back in from a lovely night out with my hubby. It's the first time in a long time that we've had an adult night out together as normally we have 8 year old with us and we can't go out and enjoy a drink as we have to be home at a sensible hour to put her to bed.

We went to watch a movie which I really enjoyed and then we spent another hour or so in the restaurant having a natter and trying to catch up with my little sister to see how she's doing.

We then came home and went to our local pub and invited my sister in law and her partner along. I can't remember the last time we went out just the two of us and so it made a really nice change and it was great to spend some quality time together.

My little sister is still in hospital and hasn't given birth as far as I know. Because her waters broke early this morning they were going to induce her in case of infection but I'll update when I know more.

So, it's goodnight from me for tonight xxx

Martin House

We took Sophie back to Martin House this morning ready for her "Smartenies" day. It was hard going back there but thankfully we didn't have to go into the main house where we were with Lily, it was in a little building just before you got to the front door. One of the staff called Helen was already in there and it was nice to see her again. It didn't take Sophie long to get back into the swing of things and gave me and her dad a big kiss and cuddle and was then off.

Sometimes I wish I had the mentality of an 8 year old. They seem to be able to accept information so easily and deal with it in a much better way than us adults. Sophie has a little teddy that she has named Lily and she takes her to bed everynight with her and wraps her up in a blanket. According to Soph, if you kiss and cuddle the teddy, then Lily (her sister) will be able to feel them up in heaven.

The first time she told me that it made me cry but now I think it is such a sweet thing for her to say. Sophie also writes letters to Lily, sometimes I think she would be good with a blog lol

Hubby and I are going out tonight for the first time in a long time. With everything that has been going off, it's like we've forgotten about us as a couple and so tonight is about giving us some quality time together and hopefully we can have a lovely lie-in in the morning and then a lazy brunch before going to his parents for Sunday dinner.

As I write this - my sister is in labour!!! Her waters broke early this morning and so now we are waiting for the phone call to tell us that our new niece has arrived and that my sis is OK.

Back to Martin House...

Tomorrow at Martin House, they are holding a session for the siblings of children that have passed. Sophie is looking forward to going back as even though when we were there, it was a sad time, the staff there are amazing and made it so much easier for her.

She was able to go and play with the other children that were there and also managed to teach the staff a few cheerleading moves!!

I'm not really looking forward to going back as the last time we were there was when we set off for Lilys funeral and it is going to seem strange going there and not being able to see Lily.

I know I'm probably making more out of it then I should but that's the way in which my strange mind works lol

We are to go and drop her off for a few hours and she will spend time with the staff in the gardens doing whatever it is that they want to do. She will be with staff that she got to know while we were there and so hopefully it will help her to express how she's feeling.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are what I call my bingo nights!

I have an hour online playing bingo and "chatting" to people that I don't know but who make me laugh so much it gives me a stitch.

Tonight was no exception. Although I didn't win, it was a good night and it's these couple of hours each week that keep me lifted and stop me from feeling low.

Sunday will be 3 months since Lily passed. It doesn't get any easier.

Tuesday would have been Lilys 3 month birthday. It seems a little silly to count her birthdays in months but as she was only here for 4.5 days I celebrate every little landmark like this.

We still miss her more than anything but we know that life has to go on.

I hope that this blog will be able to bring a little peace by being able to write about her and my feelings about her.

I will also keep you all updated on our family and the comings and goings. At the moment my younger sister is overdue to give birth by a week so we will hopefully have some good news soon.